| and the world spins madly on |
[22 Mar 2009|12:52am] |
I find that recently my photography has replaced my words.
I can't get my mind to focus long enough to write about any one subject anymore, it seems. Not with any ease, anyway.
But photography - I find what I see as beautiful, I capture it from as many angles as possible, and share it with the world. And I feel I'm saying more with my images of decaying buildings, asbestos-coated walls, and candid expressions than I ever could in a long-winded diatribe.
It's liberating.
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| things are heavy and light all at the same time |
[21 Jan 2009|11:36pm] |
Well, my last attempt at blogging fell short in the midst of some confusing times, a move across town, and getting a new job. We'll see if I can pick this up casually again.
I know I got a bad reputation
And it isn't just talk, talk, talk
If I could only give you everything
You know I haven't got
I couldn't have one conversation
If it wasn't for the lies, lies, lies
And still I want to tell you everything
Until I close my eyes
Suddenly I'm on the street
Seven years disappeared
Below my feet
Been breaking down
Do you want me now?
Do you want me now?
Suddenly I'm down in Harold Square
Looking in a crowd
Your face is everywhere
Been turning around
Do you want me now?
Do you want me now?
Don't try to be an inspiration
You're just wasting your time, time, time
You know I'm about the best I'll ever be
I see it in your eyes
I know I got a bad reputation
And it isn't just talk, talk, talk
If I could only give you everything
You know I haven't got
Suddenly I'm on the street
Seven years disappeared
Below my feet
Been breakin' down
Do you want me now?
Do you want me now?
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| stop right there, sally |
[11 Jul 2008|06:14pm] |
i know it's probably older than god but i just saw this clip today and thought it was particularly funny after seeing stp in concert last week. enjoy!
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| her dizzy head is conscience-laden (x-posted from myspace) |
[05 Jul 2008|09:50am] |
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Thanks to my biological clock I've been awakened at the typical hour. So here I am, typing away. It's been quite a while and there is much to say, at least about the week I've had. I'll warn you, though - this is going to be a monster post! Anyone who knows me knows that I have a ridiculous obsession with music, and the too-short week of Summerfest is no exception. I look forward to the event all year long, being that there aren't many places you can pay 15 dollars a day to see any of 7 or 8 mainstream bands. The first year I saw Summerfest was 2006, when I drove up to Milwaukee to surprise Justin. Luckily I had arrived on the very last day and he made it a point to take me down and show me the scene. After a precarious journey of driving into the lovely north side ghetto to get some cheap tickets for entry we arrived later in the afternoon. I can't remember really seeing anyone remarkable play, but I do remember that it started POURING rain and we were soaked. A picture actually exists of me sitting on a bench up to my knees in a puddle because of the accumulation. It was incredibly fun, though, and after the rain let up, we walked toward the Marcus Ampitheater. By some twist of fate, a couple was walking out with tickets in hand. They approached us and told us they didn't like the opener and they were leaving. (!?! seriously, when are most openers even remotely as good as the main act?) We didn't waste a minute and took their tickets. Turns out that opener they didn't like was Augustana. WTF, right? Anyway, there were two headliners that night. The Goo Goo Dolls and the Counting Crows. We walked in in time to catch both bands in their entirety - it was amazing. Jack's Mannequin actually joined the Counting Crows at the end to sing "Hangin' Around." I was sold on Summerfest that day - it was a great experience and I couldn't wait until the next year.
2007 came around and I bought tickets for two shows - John Mayer with Ben Folds on the 3rd of July and Tool on the 4th. We enjoyed those arena shows as well as got to see almost half of Weird Al's set. The vibe was great that year as well, and I left a happy girl.
With the arrival of 2008, there was another new lineup; not as spectacular as last year but nothing to complain about. I set out last weekend by myself to see the Old 97's and Dashboard Confessional. The former sounded great, and I began to get into their sound. But something wasn't right. While I'm used to many people being wasted at these concerts (this IS brew city, after all), I was not used to so many of them being jerks to each other, especially in the middle of a concert. We were standing on the bleachers, and the next thing I know, a fight breaks out in front of me. A girl starts crying, some guy is taunting her and laughing, and most of the people around me are yammering on and watching or sending text messages. I could barely hear the music that was blasting from the speakers. I stayed through the whole concert, but I was pretty miffed. At least I had Dashboard to enjoy, right?
Wrong.
I got to the stage DC was playing at around 9:15, about 45 minutes before they were scheduled to go on. As I imagined, I couldn't find a place to stand very close or even sit, so I stood as close as I could on the side. Also as I assumed there were a lot of high-school/college-age kids there. It's just the crowd that the band draws in; I was in college when I really started to appreciate their music. Again, the band started and rocked (I was really impressed with Chris Carrabba's live range, although unfortunately I did not get to witness his "eye sex" prowess)... and again, most of the people around me were too busy taking Myspace-esque pictures, text messaging, standing in huge circles talking, or becoming screaming mimis whenever they saw someone they knew. Very annoying to someone who is trying to enjoy a band they truly like. Especially Dashboard Confessional - they're like the ultimate sing-along band, and whenever I would sing people would just stare at me like I was crazy. At this point I started questioning what everyone was doing there... after about 45 minutes I had to leave because people walking by me (or into me, rather) kept ramming me with their elbows as they'd go by or shove me out of the way as they passed. I was highly discouraged, and that was only the first day. The next day I came back with Justin in tow - I figured the crowds would be easier to manage with someone else to walk with and we could enjoy the Theory of a Deadman show. It ended up being great - they rocked and played a lot of good songs. There were only a few idiots around us this time, so I chalked the previous night up to bad luck. I got to show Justin the wonder that is The Polyphonic Spree. Say what you will, I'm pretty sure those guys came from a commune somewhere and the lead singer thinks he's Jesus. Scary. We even got to catch some of Jack's Mannequin before leaving, which was quite enjoyable. I really liked their cover of "Walk on the Wild Side."
-brief aside-
Jimmy Buffet is in the background on VH1 right now, and seriously, how do people listen to that shit? 3 songs about parrots and coconuts and mixed drinks later, and I'm already feeling seasick, if you know what I mean. Ugh, it sounds like some drunk guy attempting to sing over a karaoke track of carribean percussion instruments throwing up...
/end rant
So, where am I going with all of this, you ask? A few months back, one of my all-time favorite bands (almost single-handedly responsible for my introduction to the rock world -and true sexual awakening thanks to Scott Weiland, roar! - back in high school), Stone Temple Pillots announced that they were reuniting and touring. Many here in Milwaukee waited with bated breath for a show announcement (this town has an incredible music scene). Finally, it was announced that they would play the ampitheater on July 4th. Justin snatched up tickets and yesterday we didn't waste any time getting down to the festival to claim my seat. I was filled with lots of excitement, anticipation, and energy. We passed plenty of interesting characters as we did a few laps around the grounds. Justin even got a mention on a local radio station because we walked by and the DJ noticed his "spear britney" shirt (as did at least 50 other people that day, I kid you not!). It was shaping up to be a good day. After a slight mishap with our tickets (it would take another 2 paragraphs to explain so I'll spare you), we ended up getting new seats in section 2, row Q. This means we were only in the 17th row. Which also means we were about 300 feet from Scott Weiland. In the middle. I thought I was going to pee myself with joy. Black Francis came out (better known as Frank Black, lead singer of the Pixies) and played for the better part of an hour. He didn't manage to get much of a rise out of the crowd, but put on a good show. His solo stuff just doesn't get the kind of attention the Pixies' does.
Then - STP. Holy shit. HOOOOOOLLLLY shit. Where do I begin? I mean, on so many levels the whole concert experience was spiritual to me. This is a band I have idolized for at least 10 years; a band I never thought would get back together since I figured Weiland would OD before they had a chance. The band came out on stage, silhouetted with purple dry ice rising up around them. Quite appropriate, being that I felt like I was living a dream. The first wistful twang of "Big Empty" rang out, and Scott Weiland approached the microphone shrouded in an American flag. Chills overcame me and I nearly wept. I think I could compare the feeling to seeing Nirvana now - I mean, the odds that Kurt Cobain would rise from the dead and reunite the band were about the same as STP rekindling their ties. I know it would be a profound experience for many lovers of true rock music; a complete departure from the over-processed, studio-fixed bands of today.
The setlist was unbelievable. The band played pretty much every mainstream song they ever released in addition to a few less popular tunes. It was obvious that every ounce of the band's energy was going into what they were doing, and not only were they passionate but they were sounding FLAWLESS. The vocals were spot-on and soulful, the guitar solos seamless and searing; the bassline was like an engine, rattling the whole ampitheater, and the drums were crisp and powerful. Every member was dead-on, and every song was a masterpiece in its own right. Weiland was unexpectedly conversational with us and even brought up 2 marines during the encore to honor them (and let them begin "Dead and Bloated"). There was so much power in that place - almost every fan there united in singing the words when the microphone was pointed at us. It was really, for me, like church. There was an intense spiritual connection through the music, going through everyone there. (Which is why I didn't understand why people kept leaving and coming back, stepping on my toes all the while as they had to walk in front of me, BUT I DIGRESS.... nothing could have ruined my time short of one of the band members dropping dead in front of me.)
As a self-proclaimed fan of Scott Weiland, I also cannot complain that after every song he would take a piece of clothing off. I realize that's pretty stereotypical of me, but seriously, this man has been an engima to me since my early teens. I told Justin that if Weiland's pants came off I wasn't sure if I would be able to stand! Probably the equivalent of Bon Jovi stripping down in concert for my mom, haha...
Anyway, there are really no words to describe the concert. It was unbelievable, surreal, and satisfying.
We stopped by to watch Seether after the STP show (had to walk all the way to the opposite end of the grounds which is a challenge in and of itself - people feel it's necessary to form gigantic circles to socialize in in the middle of the walkway grrrr) at the FM 102.1 stage. Unfortunately all good things have to come to an end, though - after having such a positive concert experience, the Seether encore that we got to catch was horrible. The band itself was amazing - they played "Broken" acoustic, then another song ( I think they dedicated it to Layne Staley, if I heard correctly). At this time, I was having a hard time hearing anything (amazing since it's a hard rock band blaring out of giganic speakers, right?) because of the idiotic nitwits surrounding us. We had to stand on a picnic table to see, as did many people, which was okay - we got there late so I didn't expect decent seating. I really just wanted to hear the band. There was a group of about 10 people to our left doing the typical text messaging, picture-taking, shouting into their cell phones, and general not acknowledging there was a band playing in front of them. Then there were 2 guys to our right who were probably drunk, not really paying attention and mawing on about something or another. Of course, when the band began to play "Fake It," all the girls to the left of us squealed at the top of their lungs and started to sing and dance with each other. I felt like it should be Hannah Montana up on the stage judging from their actions. At this time, there was at least one guy screaming into his cell phone and a million flashes going on with the girls taking pictures of themselves. Then there was the guy who kept reaching down one of the girls' shirts. It was all just really distracting. I found it quite ironic that the line the girls were howling out the loudest was, "you're such a fucking hypocrite."
So, after that we came home - we were hot, sweaty, and tired. And although I THOROUGHLY enjoyed the STP concert, I still couldn't escape the discouragement I felt over the whole week at the concert-goers of today.
I wonder now, is this what concerts are about? Taking pictures to post on your myspace and text messaging the whole time? I'm not so pretentious about music that I would ever denounce someone for only knowing the radio-friendly songs, but seriously. It really seems like the thing to do nowadays is go to a concert, do nothing but talk as loud as you can, and then say you saw the band and loved it. It's my opinion that if you go to the concert and don't really listen to half the songs, you didn't -really- see that band. You just wasted your money. Maybe I was expecting too much from a crowd that only had to pay 15 dollars to get in to most of these concerts - I find that when you pay 50 or 60 dollars to see someone, you usually are a big enough fan to pay attention and get your money's worth, not just stand there running your mouth with your back to the band. It's disheartening to think of the departure music has taken from the grassroots it came from. There have been many advancements in technology and quality, yes, and I think those are great. But unfortunately the kids today (man, I feel old...) don't know what used to be. When we heard Jack's Mannequin play "Walk on the Wild Side" I wondered how many people there would have no idea it was a cover. This is one of the reasons I wish I knew what it was like to be around in the 60s or 70s back when music reigned as a popular pastime. I doubt when Jimi Hendrix was playing anyone (well, anyone who wasn't in a drug-induced haze) was too busy blabbering on about what was so great about that week's episode of The Brady Bunch or how cool they are because they dyed their hair pink. How about Bob Dylan? How could anyone not give respect to something so profound?
I feel lucky that my parents instilled a love of music in me, because music is one thing that can get me through the worst of times. There is always a song out there that brings me comfort or helps me get out my innermost feeilngs. I just wish today's concertgoers would have a little more respect for the ones making the music. It's not always an easy job to get up there and sing your heart out.
Of course, this takes me back to my main views on the youth of today - even as a teacher of very young children, you can see the shift in beliefs and parenting; the lack of accountability of consequences for one's actions. When I was a kid, I would have never even considered saying anything bad to a teacher. Nowadays, I have 4-year olds tell me they hate me and call me names when I tell them they can't do something they want to; 7-year olds try to take a bite out of my arm and throw things at me when they need to sit down and cool off. I've heard 3-year olds rap misogynistic and profane lyrics without even knowing what they meant. It's highly disheartening, and makes me wonder what the future holds. Maybe I don't want to know.
Well, this wasn't supposed to be a depressing entry but it kind of ended up that way! I feel better, anyway. If you made it through this whole thing, then I congratulate you and I would kiss you on the mouth if you were right here! Until next time...
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| late-night musings |
[15 Jun 2008|03:06am] |
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music |
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Bayside - We'll Be O.K. |
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So, I'm hurt. Obviously. I'm brazen, too. In the whole process I guess he's pushing me even further away so maybe there is some good resulting from all of this. It's hard to handle the new loneliness... 2 years and I have forgotten who I am. Now I am trying to find myself again in vain. The most difficult part is fighting the innate attraction that is there, that may always be there. No matter how much of a jerk he is or how much of a nag I can be... when we see each other it's like electricity sparks. So much for the beauty of fate... The wise decision on my part would just be to stay away, I think.
Because of a lot of things happening lately I believe I'm going to be looking for a job in Paducah when I go to visit next week. I feel like it's time to make the change. I can't be here, as much as there is to take in and enjoy. I need the people who I have known for years... I need people in my life more than the chance of succeeding in Wisconsin. My job here pays decent and has benefits and a lot of flexibility. However, I feel like I get the short end of the stick schedule-wise, I end up using my own money to buy supplies for certain projects and resources, and as a lead teacher I don't think I always get the respect I deserve. When all my friends up here pretty much work with me, including my roommate... it's hard to come home and just get away from the thoughts of the day.
Today is Father's Day. It's been over 6 months since my dad lost his job after coming into work and failing a random breathalyzer test. It's been 6 months since he started attending AA meetings. He went cold turkey after years and years of being an alcoholic, something that I was always in denial over. I don't think I've ever been prouder of my dad, nor has this holiday meant so much. The fact that he was always there for me despite struggling with his own inner demons moves me and inspires me. I have written a letter to him describing the same and hopefully he will like it - I'll have to give it to him when visiting next week. I hope to spend some time reminding him of all the reasons I appreciate him. For giving me a strong foundation for me to base my standards of a good man on, listening to me cry even when it was because I didn't follow his advice and got hurt, teaching me how to ride my bike and swim, sharing his love of cooking with me, drawing little pictures with the cream cheese on my toaster strudels in the morning before school, always praising me on my singing ability and listening to undoubtedly eardrum-shattering versions of early 90s pop songs, unconditionally being there for me whenever I needed someone to lean on. My dad and I share so many special memories, and I'm glad he's taken the steps in his life to be healthy so we can enjoy many, many more.
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| i'd never want to see you unhappy, i thought you'd want the same for me |
[08 Jun 2008|07:58pm] |
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music |
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Tegan and Sara - The Con |
] |
The weather is perfectly hideous outside right now. It's an unexpected monsoon season here in Wisconsin - the past three days have been riddled with tornado warnings, spectacular lightning, and flash flooding everywhere. Even though it's June I welcome the weather - I always loved the earthy smell that accompanies a good storm.
I'm finally seeing the progress that's coming from working out - some of my older clothes are fitting looser now and it feels good to experience the fruits of my labor! The iPod I treated myself to has also been a welcome addition to my routine - I just un-focus on everything around me and sweat out the negative energy inside. I guess my hour a day is kind of like meditation - it's strange that while I'm running sometimes I feel like I could just fall asleep because I'm so relaxed. I went and laid out by the pool yesterday, stopping a few times to swim a bit. I believe I'm beginning to enjoy summer a bit more now that I don't feel preoccupied with hiding my body. I know I'm no supermodel but I definitely don't feel as embarrassed of myself as I used to.
This weekend has been mostly uneventful. I think it's one of the first weekends I've actually spent with Courtney since I moved in since either she has been out of town or busy with her hubby. (they are legally separated but he still comes over some weeknights and most weekends) Although we didn't do anything really exciting, last night we had a girls night where we went down Sunset (the main road here in town) and got food from three different drive-through windows, haha! Then we came home and watched a movie, Wedding Wars, which had cute dialogue but a very real and touching message. It was a night I definitely needed - otherwise I probably would have just spent it moping around my room singing sad songs and accompanying myself on guitar.
I don't know if it's because my monthly (more like every other month actually - I hate being a girl sometimes, my body is so chaotic) visitor has arrived or what but I have been extra emotional, especially concerning Justin. I have so much stress going on - my car ended up only having a broken axle (which was still 400 bucks) but now I found out my engine has some oil leaks on it. So the plan is, since it already has about 130k miles on it I will trade it in for a new car (or newer used one) when I go down to Kentucky. My parents are going to help me with a down payment but now I have to accommodate a car payment and insurance into my budget. I can barely keep my head above water as it is so I'm going to be first trying to get a personal loan, and if that doesn't work going the debt consolidation route. I know it won't help my credit but I have to take charge of my situation before I go under. So in the next week I have to get to the DMV and get my address corrected on my license and get a duplicate copy of the title and registration for my Honda. I also have to call/visit banks and try to find someone to give me a reasonable loan with decent interest. It doesn't sound too bad but I'm practically broke at the moment from the car repair and don't get paid until this Friday. Not good. I also have to get to Kentucky and back on this paycheck. It doesn't help that the hours I work this week are pretty much exactly the working hours of the banks around here, and we don't even get breaks. I feel very stretched out, like everything could just fall apart at any moment.
Feeling very lonely tonight. I try to be positive and stay busy to keep my mind off of things, but it's hard going through everything alone. I am so lucky to have Courtney but sometimes I just feel like a broken record with her - I don't want to burden her with listening to my same fears and depressing stories. I still question whether or not I should just move home to get back on my feet but I would have to find a job first and start it pretty much as soon as I got down there. As soon as fall arrives I will have to make a decision, that's my deadline. It will be 2 full years here in a different state at that point, hard enough to believe. I have found so much to enjoy here - mostly on my own, but Wisconsin is truly beautiful. Tonight I drove down to the lake front for a while just like I used to with the riverfront in Paducah. Everything that used to be so big and overwhelming kind of feels like a second home now. I've made friends, I have my special places to go to, I've experienced so much.
Unfortunately, the feeling I get the majority of the time upon reflection is similar to these lyrics:
I never want to see you unhappy
I thought you'd want the same for me
Goodbye, my almost lover
Goodbye, my hopeless dream
I'm trying not to think about you
Can't you just let me be?
So long, my luckless romance
My back is turned on you
I should've known you'd bring me heartache
Almost lovers always do
I cannot go to the ocean
I cannot drive the streets at night
I cannot wake up in the morning
Without you on my mind
So you're gone and I'm haunted
And I bet you are just fine
Did I make it that easy
To walk right in and out of my life?
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| fate |
[01 Jun 2008|01:24am] |
Tonight while I was driving home from getting a splint for my pinky finger (which I think I may have broken today while trying to separate the dog I am watching for my friend and another dog) my car started making a weird noise. The RPM's went way up and I started to hear a grinding noise. I thought maybe one of my tires was flat and my car didn't want to go on the rim. I tried to continue going very slowly down the street but as I went to turn onto the next road my car totally stopped. Then when I switched it into park, there arose a horrid metallic grinding/rattling noise from the hood. And the car began to roll backward until I put my emergency brake on.
Luckily a police officer happened to be coming in the other direction at that very moment (the only bit of luck I have had today). He helped me try to get my car into the parking lot about 20 feet ahead of me (no such luck, in any gear), then had to push the car into the lot himself. Then I had to get towed 1.9 miles to my house, which cost me $85.
So, the unanimous opinion is that my transmission decided to die tonight. With no prior warning at all.
My credit card is essentially maxed, I am on a budget that doesn't allow for any extra spending whatsoever, and I have no car insurance.
The only choice left is whether I should go with pills or the carotid artery. Obviously gas is out since my car can't even make it to the garage, har har. (Pathetic attempt at a joke) Why does this shit have to happen to me when I'm trying to fix everything? Can the universe not just be satisfied with my love life crumbling and my finances being in ruins?
I want to give up.
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| motivate to forget so i can endure your words |
[21 May 2008|05:35pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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 weird |
] |
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music |
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Ashes Divide - Stripped Away |
] |
It's been a busy day. I went to work from 8:30 until 1, finishing up my day there by washing dishes. Then I met up with Justin, which didn't go too well. I figured I'd give it a shot but I guess nothing has changed. My heart is still freshly wounded and I just don't get where he's coming from. I wish I could just stop missing the good things about him. It's hard to just concentrate on the bad in order to protect myself. Today I told him that either I need to be his friend and that's it or I need an honest effort from him to try to work on things. I have tried the friends with benefits thing before but it never works for me - I just can't get the emotional attachment out of my head. When it comes to relationships I need black and white, no grey area. I never really understood "taking a break." I know it works for some people but not in my case. It just makes my heart grow harder and makes me more isolated. Sometimes I think there is no real match for me out there. Right now I'm not too worried about finding him or her, though.
I just got back from working out again, which was fun. I actually enjoy my daily or every-other day trips to the gym; running gives me a chance to escape my thoughts and feelings. I usually just turn on the cd player and go. It seems the hour just flies by. Unfortunately I don't see much of a physical change yet, but it's only been a few weeks. I'm pretty impatient when it comes to exercise - I like to reap the rewards immediately! In the process of moving out from Justin I have made a lot of health changes in my life - no more going out to eat multiple times a week, no more soda/caffeinated beverages... and I've been doing really well at upholding my standards! I went and shopped at a Whole Foods this weekend just for fun and got some yummy organic food (although I have no intention of going gung-ho organic or anything). I'd really like to work on my cooking abilities in the future - I love to cook for people.
My friend Grant is flying up this weekend to hang out and I am so excited - I really need some good back-home friend time. He gets here Friday and I plan on taking him to the Safehouse, which is a spy bar where you actually need a password to get in! Then we may find a club with some 80s music and dance the night away! Saturday my friend Tami is having a graduation party so we will probably enjoy some time there then maybe go out again later, who knows. Sunday we are going to see Panic at the Disco!, Phantom Planet, and a few other bands at The Rave. All in all it should be a fun and therapeutic weekend - I love 3-day weekends. I also love having a friend like Grant. He always knows how to cheer me up. After this weekend it will only be another month before I go back home to visit for my birthday. I can't believe I'm already going to be 24 - I don't know where time goes. 24 is just about as anticlimactic as 23, so I'll probably just hang around the house with my parents and spend some quality time with them. I haven't seen my dad since Christmas so I especially look forward to seeing him.
The weather has been so nice lately - if there is one nice thing I can say about Wisconsin it's that the scenery is gorgeous (at least 3 months out of the year when it's not snow-covered!). The weather this time of year is so mild, a vast contrast from the humid, sticky Kentucky summers I'm accustomed to. I'm going to be out taking more pictures soon - now that I have a nice speedlight and some filters I should be able to do wonders. I'm really becoming fascinated with the shadows that come out around sundown so I'm hoping to find some great places to photograph.
Tonight should consist of watching the American Idol finale (yeah, I know I'm lame but I've been calling the Davids' showdown for months now! I have to see the results!) and resting up for the remainder of the week. Such an exciting existence I lead...
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| let the sunshine in |
[18 May 2008|02:16pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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 listless |
] |
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music |
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Alice Smith - Do I? |
] |
Hello again, world. It's your faithful correspondent MK here. At least that's how they know me up here in Wisconsin - I believe if anyone called me Mary-Kathleen now I would barely recognize my own name.
Things have not been good lately. I'm at another turning point in life. Justin and I broke up a few weeks ago and it completely destroyed me. The relationship itself had been rough for quite some time but, as usual, I don't know when to quit and for some reason believe that if I work on something tirelessly and give it my all things will turn in my favor. A lesson in hubris, I suppose.
It hurts to hear that after 2 years of your trying and trying, the person who initially asked you to give up your life and move to be with him has decided that he would rather be single. A relationship just gets in the way of his goals and plans of course. How nice to wake up 2 years after you've given up everything you knew, your money, your time, your sanity... and to find that it isn't appreciated, not that it ever was. It's no longer wanted. After all the times I convinced myself not to go back home, to try again... I am the one that gets canned. An empty thank you for screwing up my life, my financial situation, my mental stability, and for treating you so well, but I'm just not good for him anymore. In summation, the story I get is: I just realized that what I told you 2 years ago, that if you moved to be with me I would take care of you and we would be happy together, I don't want that anymore. Sorry, I thought I knew what I wanted. Unfortunately you're the casualty. I guess it just didn't work out is another way of saying I'm tired of you, I'd like to be selfish for a while. But we can still be friends, right?
Ha.
So here I am, living in Waukesha, only a few miles away from my job. I live with a coworker, Courtney, who is going through some of the same issues as me. I'm not sure what I would do without her to lean on. I go to work, come home and change into workout clothes, go run a few miles, come home and eat a small dinner, shower, then go to bed. My life is basic at the best right now. It feels very strange to write again - only now when I'm stuck alone with my own thoughts do I realize how long I've been pushing all the feelings down. It's almost as if I don't know myself anymore. Maybe that's normal - at the end of a relationship you have to reclaim yourself as one individual, not operating as half of something any longer. You're learning how to operate on your own again. I know I can do it, but I don't know where to go from here, really. I didn't have a backup plan this time. Move back home and start over? Stay here and hash it out and maybe meet someone else down the road? Right now I'm just drifting. I smile, I laugh. I try to keep up the appearance that I'm really okay. But inside I'm broken. I feel betrayed. I never regret anything... but I almost want to go back 2 years in time and tell myself not to have done this.
Maybe by writing I'll get to know myself better again. Maybe writing will help me heal the fresh wounds. I know I'm better than this shitty situation I'm in.
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| if my past is any sign of your future, you should be warned before i let you inside |
[10 Nov 2007|02:48pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 melancholy |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Duran Duran - Notorious (yeah, I can't believe it either) |
] |
It's a brisk Saturday afternoon here in Hales Corners. 46 degrees and overcast. I hear Justin snoring in the next room. Other than that, I'm accompanied only by the distant humming of the freeway traffic.
I considered going to see Into the Wild today but relented. They've been playing the single "Hard Sun" from its soundtrack on the radio, a collection composed by Eddie Vedder. Seems like a compelling story. At this point in time traipsing out into some desolate place and trying to find myself sounds about as compelling as continuing on with the mundane routine of everyday life.
The past week has been some kind of joke. I was telling my boss earlier that I was scared to leave the house for fear a piano would drop from the sky and do away with me; nothing else could possibly top everything that's happened this week. I started out on Monday with a cold which developed into laryngitis by Tuesday. I went to the doctor Tuesday night where I was given a prescription and a recommendation to take off from work for a day to rest my voice box. Because my work was so short-staffed this week I decided to go in on Wednesday anyway. I was able to get out by early afternoon which helped me in resting and getting back to health. Thursday morning I had my voice back. However, things were not to return to normal for long.
The day started out with one of my kids trying to run into another room and hide while she was supposed to be in the other teacher's care. I discovered she was missing when a parent happened to be dropping off her two kids in my room. I tried to act calm until she left and the other teacher started looking for the runaway. As I was getting up from the floor with a newborn my foot caught on a toy and I went flying, twisting my ankle in the process. Luckily in not making an attempt to break my fall I was able to only bash my knee and ankle while avoiding any harm to the baby. My coworker who had just found my kid (who was giggling and hiding in a playhouse in the other room) saw the whole thing and made sure I was okay. For the next hour or so everything went as normal. We did our art project and circle time then I started snack. I was feeding the newborn (sitting on the floor bottle-feeding him) while one of my kids finished snack and the other was playing. The child who was playing found a play phone and was coming around to everyone asking them to say "hello" into the phone. As he was walking towards the child at the table, he tripped. ON A COMPLETELY TOY-FREE SURFACE! Now this was no normal trip. This was a trip that actually sent him flying and turned him around to eventually fall and hit the back of his head on the floor. He started crying, of course, so I tried to comfort him from my position with the baby so he could come to me and I could hold him. As he got up, though, I noticed blood. Lots of it. Gushing from his mouth. Great! So I put the baby in the swing mid-feeding (he was less than thrilled) and got up to put pressure on the other poor kid's mouth to stop the bleeding. As I cleaned his wound and it stopped bleeding, I noticed what had happened. When he fell he had bitten entirely through his lip. I had to show the injury to my boss and she had to call his mom, who had to take him to the doctor, who referred him to a PLASTIC SURGEON. In the end, it was decided he was fine and no stitches were needed. I went to the doctor myself later for my ankle who told me it may or may not be fractured but I should take the next day off. Again, not the best day to take off since we are understaffed... so I got myself some crutches and finished my 10-hour Friday with no further incident.
From now on I'm not leaving the house without a helmet.
On another subject, I've been so happy to see fall's arrival here. The weather has gradually gotten cooler and there are some truly beautiful colors showing in nature. Some trees that line my drive to work in the morning make the whole commute worth it - it's like an explosion of the whole red-yellow end of the color spectrum. The meteorologists keep saying that it's much colder already than it was a year ago, but I keep remembering the blizzard that happened the 1st of December and can't believe it. I can't believe I've been here over a year. Time really does move faster the older you get, it seems.
I'm coming home for Thanksgiving. It will be nice to return home to my family again.
I have so many questions without answers. So many decisions to make. Yet I feel paralyzed in a way. I know I'm free to make any changes I want. I just don't know if I have the strength.
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| goodbye is all we have |
[16 Apr 2006|02:20am] |
There's never really anything to say anymore.
I find that the smile-in-my-voice-well-rounded persona I manifest on the phone for my job carries over into daily life by proxy. Sometimes I don't even recognize myself. I forget what I've said five minutes after I say it.
I cry myself to sleep more often than I should. I don't get enough sleep.
I work. I think. I drive. I breathe.
I do not want this.
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| it's getting late and now i want to be alone |
[02 Apr 2006|12:27am] |
| [ |
mood |
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blah |
] |
| [ |
music |
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Silverchair - Petrol and Chlorine |
] |
The week has been busy and boring, even dismal at the same time and I haven't felt inspired to write. Work is going decently, I suppose, although it has its incredibly hectic moments. I'm still paranoid I'm not doing things right since it's a completely different avenue from what I've worked before. Alas, the people in my department are quite patient and friendly despite my endless questions. One of my numerous managers doesn't like me, I don't think - he periodically hovers over my desk and watches what I'm doing with a strange look on his face. The other managers make up for it, though. One of them brought in oatmeal raisin cookies the other day, which was quite kind. I think all in all I'm starting to like the office scene.
We saw V for Vendetta tonight and I'm still wholly mesmerized. It was honestly one of the best movies I've seen in quite some time. I teared up a bit at hearing Cat Power's "I Found a Reason" coming from V's jukebox.
I've been trying to figure out some way to cleverly redo the tattoo on my back. I've contacted Allan about drawing me something really neat, like a raven or something. Hopefully he will come through and I won't be stuck with the party lizard for much longer.
Fuck a bunch of daylight savings time.
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| and when they drag the lake there's nothing left at all |
[19 Mar 2006|12:38am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
lethargic |
] |
| [ |
music |
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The Mars Volta - Cicatriz E.S.P. |
] |
The week has gone well in a number of ways. I completed my last week at the daycare, met a few interesting new people, spent time with my best friend on her birthday, and spent today in the most ideal way I can imagine: driving with the windows down, listening to music and singing at the top of my lungs with a favorite friend, being silly, and taking pictures. I'm way too tired to detail the week so I will leave an extremely full lj-cut here for your voyeuristic enjoyment.
( Weekend en regalia.. )
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| seems like most everything used to be something else |
[11 Mar 2006|04:43am] |
| [ |
mood |
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 calm |
] |
| [ |
music |
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The Shins - Pink Bullets |
] |
Favorite thought of the day: I love when we have powdered donut day at the daycare. After snack, all the babies look like cokeheads.
Tonight after a tasty dinner at Tribeca with Jen and Nathan (and a waitress who called me "baby" an uncomfortable amount of times), I ventured out with Grant to take pictures downtown and in the middle of the woods. We got some truly creepy shots which I need to photoshop, but for now, feast your eyes on ghostly me.
It is now five in the morning and there is a bird outside my window chirping quite audibly. Oh, I think I may be coming to regret choosing the room right next to a tree. I look forward to the rainy day ahead; it will be perfect for relaxing and catnapping.
I am glad that I chose tonight to be the first night in three weeks for me to drink a caffeinated beverage. Otherwise I wouldn't have been able to be up at this ungodly hour and be caught by someone I should have had a certain conversation with long ago. A part of me inside feels a huge amount of relief, as if an invisible coil in my stomach has been unwound. Now I'll just have to deal with the fact I can't go along to New York for spring break. I knew there was SOMETHING good to stay in school for! The real world is quite cruel sometimes.
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| a heart that's full up like a landfill |
[07 Mar 2006|10:31pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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 fatalistic |
] |
| [ |
music |
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Muse - Blackout |
] |
My Firefox client has a bug that causes certain webpages (read: nearly every site on my bookmarks) to jiggle up and down nonstop. Quite interesting.
This morning I travelled to Metropolis once again to fill out some documents and get fingerprinted. Little did I know what was awaiting me - not only reams worth of paperwork (someone needs to call the EPA on these people, har), but a drug test (let's keep our fingers crossed, okay, kids?) and wardrobe fitting. The uniform fitting was perhaps the least time-consuming activity on the agenda, and even that took thirty minutes of old ladies fondling me to get the hems right and to take in my SHINY GOLD shirt. After the three and a half hours spent there on the boat I devoured a holy crunchwrap supreme in about .3 seconds and made it to work before 1. I watched the kiddos for the rest of the workday and found myself sitting here yet again. Tomorrow I have a 10-hour day to look forward to. Why am I sitting here writing? Ack.
I took a solo trip to consumer hell tonight, in search of sustenance and some utensils to aid in consumption. As I was meandering down the aisles, I became increasingly aware of how uncomfortable I felt, all because I was alone. I wanted someone to talk to, to push me in the cart, to confer with on the merits of substituting cereal for meals or which flavor of ice cream to pick.
In my self-imposed isolation lately, I've paid much thought to how the world works, society's standards, all the things that are considered mainstream and commonplace in life. And the more I contemplate everything the more dissatisfied and anxious I feel; I am all the more inspired to further my retreat into quiet. My mind is filled with illusory and arbitrary fantasies of living in the woods, yes... alone in a cabin that resembles Pier One, but with more concert posters, an absence of cash registers, and a massive amount of cats.
I silently scold myself for having thoughts fueled by jealousy and confusion; I wonder why everyone around me seems to be doing so well at the times when I feel the most defeated. Perhaps it's the given, a matter of perspective, but I'm not so sure. The defeat leads into another bout with self-loathe. I constantly question others' motives and thoughts. Soon I will be seeking a trip back to the bearer of medication for some relief, or just writing bad poetry. It's a toss-up. I cannot seem to connect with anyone anymore, and it frustrates me to an extent that I have never reached before.
Allan and his friends have put together Paducah's first real arts and culture zine, and I absolutely adore it. He was mainly responsible for the layout and photography, I believe. I feel honored to be in the company of such a talented person. The zine came out in print today and I picked up a copy as I was leaving the grocery. You can access a pdf file of it here.
The weekend was a much needed break from the monotony of life, as the wonderful Andrew paid me a visit. I escorted him to the lake area straight off so we could view some picturesque sights. After I got turned around a few times we managed to make it to Hematite Lake and the iron furnace ruins. Somehow we ended up finding the remains of some sort of mini-Chupacabra or something. I may post pictures of the jawbone of this thing; it was truly creepy. The walk around the lake only lasted halfway around, as we were both famished and decided to head to the greatest eatery in that area, Patti's. The food was delicious and the waiters insanely talented at their craft. Hey, you try memorizing 17 different desserts and their ingredients, not to mention which are your personal favorites. On Sunday, Jen accompanied us to a BBQ place and then Nathan joined along as well for a trip to the park. The entire visit was greatly enjoyed and I considered myself lucky to have such pleasant company.
I need something happier like that right now with which to set my spirits on fire.
I feel like the chords in a song by Sufjan Stevens; The Seers Tower. In a minor key, sustained to the point of diaphanousness, then all at once a chaotic blend of harmonized yet dissonant wails. Yes, that is the best way I can explain my life.
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| spread the ashes of the colors over this heart of mine |
[26 Feb 2006|12:06pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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 curious |
] |
| [ |
music |
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Pink Floyd - Shine On You Crazy Diamond |
] |
At the behest of certain readers, I find myself sitting here churning out more texty goodness.
This week, at some points, was the most horrible week ever. I felt as if I were in some kind of sick sequel to high school. Again I found myself questioning everyone around me, and hardening my heart even more to the possibility of trust. My life was completely crumbling around me for a few nights, but thank the stars everything worked itself out. I nearly lost one of my best friends - and the words sound so trite - but it was one of the scariest things ever. First off, because this particular individual has been a rock of stability for me for the past year and a half. Secondly, because I saw how susceptible I am to my own fears and insecurities from the past. I almost sacrificed a friendship because of it all. Sometimes things happen in our lives that show us the weight of everything; like a near-death experience. Last night when I saw him for the first time since this whole mess, knowing everything was worked out, I felt indescribably relieved, and so much more thankful for our friendship. I do indeed liken our bond to my mom's and Gail's; granted I don't beleive in a god, but I do believe we have soulmates in our lives. And I believe he will be in my life for the long run. I never put much stock in lifelong friendships (and I do mean that in the strongest sense of the word, not just acquaintances), but I feel secure now with my two closest friends that they will be there for me forever. In reflection, they have taught me so much about platonic love; now I see that it can provide nearly all the sustenance my heart needs.
Now that the heavy interlude of this entry is over, I return you to the typical banal happenings in the world of Mary-Kathleen.
I sit here after having just showered, and I can still smell my shampoo in my hair. I can smell traces of the incense I burned last night. I smell the fresh air wafting in from the open window. Senses are all very profound in our lives, and tied to emotion so strongly. I wonder sometimes, what smells and tastes will I have accumulated into my memory by next year?
Jen and Nathan and I spent a lot of time together this weekend; I've laughed so much that my stomach still aches. Unfortunately all the late-night cavorting has left me completely exhausted (and out twenty bucks thanks to the casino outing) - I really need to start my workout routine. I considered yesterday's thorough cleaning of the apartment (and about 374 trips up and down the stairs) to be an appropriate warm-up. Not only was the dwelling place tidy for my company yesterday evening, it should be presentable for my much anticipated visitor in the upcoming weeks. I always love showing people around Paducah and the area. It may not seem like much, but when you're with the right person, things that you never noticed before can become remarkable. Keeping that in mind, my hometown is going to be glowing upon his arrival.
I've taken to retaliating in an ongoing war with my neighbors. What is this battle over, you ask? Oh, just the fact that they play shitty techno music (we're talking so bad that it's probably coming off of a Casio keyboard over there, but it's so loud that they would have to have it hooked up to an amp... which makes it all even more deplorable) at unbelievable volumes at 8 in the morning. I realize they're probably just coming down off of whatever buzz they've been riding for the night but I'm trying to get my last precious hours of sleep at that point and I tend to be rather staunch on my rights to sleep. So, yesterday morning when the crappy and predictable rhythms of d 'n b began to penetrate my walls I turned my speakers to their maximum wattage and opened this webpage. Shortly thereafter, I heard a door shut and saw the occupants of apartment 23 fleeing to their car. Coincidence? The world may never know.
I've been itching to go to a concert lately but there is nothing in my price range or that fits into my schedule. I was happy to read that PINBACK(!!!!) is playing at the historic Southgate House in May - it's not on the SH's website yet, but as soon as those tickets go on sale I'm snatching them up. If you're interested in hearing some samples, here's the hookup: listen to Penelope, Rousseau, Fortress, and Offcell.
Speaking of music, I've come to notice just how romantic Hum is in their weird sci-fi atonality. For example:
Systems back down slow, watch the dust cloud we send,
and I will keep you, I will keep you to the end.
Set your head back low, watch my ears ring,
I will take care of you, I will take care of everything.
I hear the birds chirping outside, and instead of my usual compulsion to yawp a hearty STFU out my window, I'm enjoying their happy interjections. I'm not usually a bird hater, mind you - I grew up in a house with a clock that sounded a different bird's song on the hour. It still lives, actually, and scares the bejeezus out of everyone the first few times they visit. The weather has been positively beautiful lately and I am hopeful for the hasty arrival of spring. Spring is symbolic of newness and there is much to look forward to - trips back up to the lake, languid drives through the outskirts of town, new inspiration for writing and creating.
I suppose I'm done expounding on trivialities. Are you not entertained?
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| i ride the tide on a boat made of sand |
[23 Feb 2006|01:01pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 devious |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
The Cardigans - Lead me into the Night |
] |
I hopped on the bandwagon for once:
here's my DNA report thingmajig. I'd say it's pretty accurate in a general way.
Travel was greatly satisfying last night. Just a few hours and my happiness was replenished. The casino also called back. I will start on the 20th of March, which although much later than I had anticipated, is at least something. Until then I will work at the daycare full-time and start paying off these god-forsaken credit card bills.
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| when i turn jet black and you show off your light i live to let you shine |
[21 Feb 2006|06:53pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
cold |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Gregory and the Hawk - Boats and Birds |
] |
Your faithful correspondent was all over the great city of Paducah today. After a mishap at the casino yesterday morning (they weren't doing prints because of the holiday plus I was stupid and didn't have the right papers to start my paperwork), I was sent right back home. Thus far, the person who was supposed to call me today hasn't made good on his word, and I'm a bit nervous because of it.
The nervousness and stress of switching jobs is taking its toll, I believe, through my emotions going haywire at times. It seems like I will completely bottom out at the most random times; anything can trigger it. I try to ignore the stupid thoughts but they just keep coming back. Like a great DCFC song says, "the gift of memory's an awful curse; with age it just gets much worse." It's all particularly frustrating at the moment because I'm trying to be optimistic and not a complete psycho for once; I'm making an honest effort at trying to be happy after being content in melancholy existence for so long. It's hard to break the habit. Slowly I think I'm becoming more prepared to be good for someone else, to be good for the future and whatever it may hold. There is so much to be done, to improve on, to look forward to, if I can just muster up the courage. It's terrifying to stand on the edge and take the jump, though. Speaking in cliches doesn't pay the actual feeling any justice but it's the honest truth. I wish I were so much better in a myriad of ways - my physical appearance, my personality, my intellect. I just don't feel worthy of anyone's attention at times. And when I'm shown any sort of positivity, I get scared that it's not real or out of pity... there is no way I can accept it without feeling bad. I have no idea where to start in order to change that.
There were some creepy kids hanging out behind my apartment today when I got home. It was a group of girls, one looked to be about 8 or 9 and the other two looked about 12 or 13. The first thing that struck me as odd was that they all smiled and waved at me as I drove up but didn't seem to move anywhere so I could park. I kept going and thankfully they relented, because I probably would have just kept going being in the mood I was at the time. Secondly, after I got out of my car, the younger kid waved yet again as she was going back into her apartment but then the other girls were looking at me strangely. I kind of glanced back but turned and kept walking to my door then one of them blurted out, "I like your shirt!" I turned around for a second and kind of half-smiled and said thanks then started walking faster. It was very strange. I didn't understand their interest in me at all; it seemed a little too Children of the Corn-esque. She said: "I like your shirt." I heard: "I like your shirt! LET ME USE IT TO STRANGLE YOU THEN FEAST ON YOUR CORPSE."
Getting back on the subject previously discussed, procurement of the documents I needed took place starting at the social security office to request a new card and to get temporary proof of my number. After going to the post office to run an errand, I went to the bank to find my birth certificate in the safe deposit box. I spent nearly two hours today in that little room looking through the contents of the box, and I always manage to get lost in it. ( Here are a few gems that I managed to sneak home with me: )
Tomorrow I will be calling the casino to check the status on my employment there and then going to work from 3-5:30. After that will come the highlight of the day (and most likely week) when I travel yet again to Carbondale for antics with the person responsible for making me break out in a toothy grin multiple times daily. Antics, of course, implicating me sitting there giggling like an idiot and wondering why I suddenly can't recall anything that bothers me at all.
Letting down your defenses may be scary, but sometimes it's so worth it.
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| beyond the ridge to the west, the sun had left the sky |
[19 Feb 2006|09:15pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 bouncy |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Cat Power - The Greatest |
] |
As another week draws to a close, I find myself at the threshold of an entirely new set of opportunities. On Friday I finally got the call I was waiting for - the casino left a voicemail and asked me to come in for printing and paperwork so I could work in their Preferred Services department. I'll probably be dealing with the customers directly, taking reservations for the hotel and giving patrons information about the daily promotions. I anticipate a much less physically strenuous work setting and a new zest for each day. I realize that sounds ridiculously optimistic considering the humdrum routine, but I honestly couldn't verbally construe my happiness merely for getting away from childcare. Plus, according to a friend of mine who already works there, my shift will be from 2-10 or something similar. The thought of working second shift is a welcome one. Granted, there are perks to having the earlier evening hours free, but it's been proven that I sleep better during the day (which means I'll probably be a completely different person, in a good way). Plus, I will be able to enjoy both a little bit of the daylight and night as well. I have to go in tomorrow at 1 to get printed and to fill out paperwork for a gaming license that one must posess to work there. It is anticipated that I will continue working at the daycare until they can find someone to replace me - my boss was very understanding about the situation and wished me the best of luck.
My brain doesn't seem up to par this evening, as in addition to still being sick (some good that whole doctor ordeal did last week - at this point I'm coughing so hard I can't decide whether I'm losing brain cells or preparing my lungs for a speedy collapse), my thoughts are scattered hopelessly in unseen space. The entire job situation has evoked many emotions in me: nervousness, anxiety, excitement. Not to mention, there are other certain things on my mind. Such as my trip this weekend.
The weekend itself before I left was pretty uneventful but enjoyable in its simplicity. On Friday night I went to my parents' house after work to do the scads of laundry I had laying around. While it was going, my dad and I played Trivial Pursuit... the genius edition, from like 1976. No joke, it's that old. We decided to settle at 1/6th genius because it was taking so long to get to the actual pie pieces. But the time we spent together was really fun, I miss my dad. My mom was busy working on making scrapbooks with a few of her friends in the other room at the time so I didn't get to see her much, but I spent the night and ate a small breakfast with both of them the next morning.
So, on Saturday afternoon I embarked on my journey to the bustling metropolis of Carbondale to see a friend of mine from the magical internets, someone I've known for over a year now, by my count. I arrived around 4:30, nerves thoroughly wrought considering I'm self-conscious about meeting people for the first time and this is one of my favorite people to talk to. It's common knowledge that yours truly isn't the most charming of individuals (especially not in person).
The fact that every sentence I have said in the past week or so has been punctuated by emphysema-like coughs doesn't help my situation, either.
We had a wonderful time together (by my approximation at least!) just hanging around. Because it was so cold we spent most of our time inside, but that was just fine with me. On the agenda was dinner at the chinese buffet (so dericious! ^_^), movie watching (Fargo, dontcha know?), half-drunk Scattergories (what do you find in a souvenir shop that starts with a J? jews, of course!), the occasional picture-taking, mario kart playing (which expedited the transition between tipsy and officially drunk), and being stared down by a pig wearing sunglasses (you'd have to have been there). I managed to get a decent picture in my travels as well (of him, not me... I look like a psychopath thanks to Bacardi CoCo and Jag). ( If your name is Nosey McSnooperson, check it out here but don't laugh at me too hard. )
Amidst all of the excitement of the day, I truly felt happy - it was apparent in person why we get along so well via the blinking ego boxes. Having such good conversation and getting the gut feeling that I was with a genuinely good person gave me a bit of faith in humanity and set my heart aflutter.
Because so many are anxiously awaiting the end of this entry, I'm going to close now with the verbal affirmation that I feel so good right now. It may sound simple, but I look back on my life, and I see where I've been... and I feel like I've come a long way. All my friends; those I care about in my life: I am so thankful for you. There is so much for which to be appreciative. I'm still the realist that I used to be... I don't get excited over much, but I do infinitely love the little things that bring a smile.
Also: a song that I've been listening to nonstop lately must be shared. Sixteen, Maybe Less by Iron and Wine and Calexico is one of the most beautiful songs ever. Hopefully it will help me survive until I get my CNSY cd back. ;-)
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